曼校德育周刊 - 如何增进亲子关系 | MIS How to Strengthen Family Bonds
2022-10-14 23:26:00




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Jonathan

D.C Lewis

德育校长

兼总舍监


如何增进亲子关系

向孩子表示尊重(也期望得到孩子的尊重)

如果您尊重您青春期的孩子,他们就更有可能尊重您。您可以练习重要的谈话礼仪,比如询问孩子哪个时间方便交谈,不打断孩子,不在他人面前谈论私人话题,永远不要(除非涉及安全问题)背叛他们的信任,并尊重他们的意见。

向孩子表示尊重的基本要点还有:直视孩子的眼睛,认真对待他们的担忧和说法,并以信任和关心的态度对待他们。进入孩子房间前敲门也可能为你们更好的互动定下基调。


Photos source: Uplash

设定边界

虽然对孩子表示尊重很重要,但总的来说,您仍然需要设定规则和边界,特别是谈话时。这些规则可以是您家规的延伸,但不是对孩子晚间必须回家的时间、电子产品和手机使用、家务或安全方面的期望。这些规则有助于您与孩子保持文明和富有成效的对话。


Photos source: Uplash

家庭内部的小矛盾

谈话的边界可能包括对于大喊大叫的约束,回答不止一个字,禁止使用的词语(例如脏话或您希望孩子避免使用的其它煽动性短语,甚至是直呼您的名字而不是妈妈或爸爸),指责,发生争吵时先暂停,不要不断重复同一个话题,以及不要介入父母的个人生活。

为谈话设定具体的规则会对你们有所帮助,尤其是当你们对话很紧张的时候。理想情况下,父母和青春期的孩子一起制定这些谈话原则,这样每个人的担忧都能得到解决,而且双方能在一个可接受的沟通机制上达成一致。


Photos source: Uplash

为孩子设定合理边界的策略

请先深呼吸

有时,如果您在说话前深呼吸,情况可能会大不相同。您在冲动下可能会说一些会后悔的话——或者会被完全误解的话。例如,当您青春期的孩子分享了一个关于他们犯错的尴尬故事时,如果您脱口而出“那太糟了”,“你为什么那样做?”或者突然大笑起来,那么您可能会伤害他们的感情,或者让对话完全终止。

另一个您保持沉默的时候是,如果您要说的话可能偏离话题或者会直接引起争论。比如说您走进青春期孩子的房间,想跟他们讨论即将到来的足球比赛或期末考试,但很快您就开始指出他/她床没整理,旁边桌子上有脏盘子,地上有湿毛巾,那么不仅您最初想聊的话题会偏离方向,您的孩子还会认为您只是想批评他/她。


Photos source: Uplash

积极响应孩子

虽然规则和期望非常重要,可以帮助青少年保持条理、高效和安全,但是对孩子可以做的事说“好”也很重要。“如果,那么”式经典育儿策略也适用于青少年。所以,不要说“不”,您可以说“好的,如果你写完论文,打扫好房间,那么你可以去参加聚会。”

如果有可能,也请灵活一些,这样您的孩子会把您看作一个愿意跟他/她一起协作的盟友,只要他们遵守设定好的准则,而且您在这些准则上不能让步。所以,当孩子问您是否可以在没有父母监督的情况下在朋友家过夜时,您可以说:“不可以,但他们可以在这儿过夜。”妥协,甚至是一起谈判,可能会让你们之间建立连接。

如果可以的话,跟孩子说“好”,给他们一个惊喜。那么您不仅会让孩子产生好感,而且您的孩子还会带着他们的要求和计划来找你。这样的话,孩子将知道您至少会为他/她考虑,那么当您真的需要说“不”的时候,事情会进展得更加顺利。


Photos source: Uplash

有选择性地交谈

在孩子上小学时我们可能都记得这一点,但有选择性地交谈对青少年来说也很重要。您不可能在一次谈话中解决所有问题,制定每一个计划,或者与您的孩子建立更深的联结。相反,选择一个目标(比如与孩子聊聊打扫房间,了解他们的课程学习情况,或者仅仅是您说话时想从孩子那儿听到的不只是咕哝声),然后抱着这个目标与孩子交谈。

有选择性交谈的同时,也请您放下一些事情——至少在当下要放下。一次谈太多事情可能会让你们两个人都难以应付并且感到沮丧。所以,当您关注成绩时,请不要提醒孩子健康睡眠习惯的重要性。您可以把其它话题留到下次谈话再聊。


Photos source: Uplash

有效的教育策略

运用幽默

如果所有其它策略都无济于事,另一个策略是用幽默来建起你们之间沟通的桥梁。但不要强行使用幽默,一定要有智慧地选择开场白。如果您试图轻松地谈论某个事情,但没有成功,比如您的孩子看起来更恼火或更心烦了,请准备好放弃您开玩笑的想法。您甚至可能需要道歉,确保孩子知道您无意让他/她不愉快。

然而,经常说一些出乎意料或犯傻的话,或者只是大笑(确保您跟孩子一起笑,而不是取笑您的孩子)可以打破紧张的气氛,让您的孩子发笑,还能经常把对话带入新的深度。更好的方法是,您可以用一些家庭内部的笑话结束对话,这通常会加深父母与青少年之间的联结。

幽默是一种展示您自己脆弱点和创造力的方式——也表示您把这段关系看得比其它一切都重要,特别是你们在讨论有压力或难处理的话题或问题时。


Photos source: Uplash

分享孩子的兴趣

如果您想让青春期的孩子跟您聊天,试着聊聊他们喜欢的事情。从电视节目、爱好到最喜欢的食物或政治,只要您努力地去倾听和了解,任何话题都可以。您可以用谷歌搜索想聊的话题,做些调查,这样您就知道跟孩子聊什么了。比如,您的孩子喜欢动画,那就跟他/她一起看动画并一起讨论。如果孩子喜欢豆腐,那就查查豆腐的食谱。

真正努力去了解您孩子的热情所在,他们喜欢和讨厌的事情,并深入了解他们的观点。一般来说,了解他们行为的动机何在,自然会让他们更愿意和您聊天以及与您一起出去玩。另一方面,请不要把您的娱乐爱好和喜欢的话题强加给孩子。不过,如果您以同样的方式与孩子进行分享,当然会很好。

谈论孩子喜欢的积极、有趣的爱好或活动,也能让你们远离许多其他父母与青少年对话时关注的沉重话题(成绩、行为、朋友、规则、不整洁),从而愉快地交谈。


Photos source: Uplash

给亲子间交流出现困难时的建议

上述建议适用于轻松或者沉重的对话——尝试不同的策略可能会有所帮助,因为在某些情况下,有的策略会比其它策略更有效。另外,明智的做法是,在您发觉任何问题之前,就开始改善你们的亲子对话,这样您就有一个现成的“问题百宝箱”了。

为积极的沟通打好基础会很有用,尤其当约会、成绩、大学规划、金钱、欺凌、朋友、家庭问题、健康问题、死亡或离婚等困难或重要事件出现在生活中的时候。最重要的是,在处理这些问题时,请给予共情和关爱,并用心倾听。

请尽量不要假设您的孩子在想什么,也不要假设他们知道您的观点。分享您的感受(悲伤、愤怒、悲伤、惊讶、担心等),这样您的孩子就会放心分享他们的感受。

青少年可能需要为他们的行为承担后果,但请注意,不要因为他们的感受或想法而嘲笑、贬低或惩罚您的孩子。您可能会在对话中了解到一些让您失望、伤心或生气的事情,但请确保孩子知道您一直在他们身边,而且您爱他们。


Photos source: Uplash


真正有效的积极教育技巧

何时寻求帮助

如果您已经多次尝试想让孩子与您交谈,但毫无效果,可能是时候寻求帮助了。您可以向父母中另一方、另一位亲戚、年长的兄弟/姐妹、家庭朋友、医生或其他心理健康专家寻求帮助。如果您的孩子与另一个值得信赖的成年人或青少年关系很好,您可以试着联系他们,来帮助您与孩子进行对话。

当消极的沟通模式太根深蒂固,让您与孩子无法顺畅地对话时,个人或家庭治疗(线上或当面)会大有助益。寻求咨询师的帮助可以重建更健康的关系,从而恢复亲子之间更加积极有效的沟通。

Jonathan

D.C Lewis

Head of Pastoral

Care & Boarding


How to Strengthen Family Bonds

Show Them Respect (and Expect It in Return)

If you are respectful of your teen, they are more likely to be respectful of you. Practice key conversation etiquette like asking if it's a good time to talk, not interrupting, not talking about private topics in front of others, never (except in the case of safety) betraying their confidence, and respecting their opinions.

Other respect basics that go a long way are looking them in the eye, taking their concerns and stories seriously, and generally, treating them in a trusting and caring manner. Knocking before entering their room is also likely to set the tone for a better interaction.

Set Boundaries

While it's important to demonstrate respect for your teen, you still need to have rules and boundaries, in general, and for conversations specifically. These can be an extension of your house rules, but instead of setting expectations around curfew, electronics and phone usage, chores, or safety, these rules help maintain civil and productive dialogue.

Chores for Teens

Boundaries for conversations may include rules around yelling, giving more than a one-word answer, off-limit words (such as swear words or other inflammatory phrases that you want them to avoid, or even calling you by your first name rather than Mum or Dad), accusations, taking timeouts if arguments arise, not continually rehashing the same topics, and not getting into the parent's personal life.

Setting specific rules for your talks can help, especially if your conversations have been tense. Ideally, parents and teens create these guidelines together so that everyone's concerns are addressed and all parties can agree on an acceptable framework for communication.

Strategies for Setting Healthy Boundaries for Children

Take a Breath

Sometimes, it can make a world of difference if you take a breath before speaking. Your first impulse may be to say something you'll regret—or that will be taken all wrong. For example, if your teen shares an embarrassing story about a mistake they made, you might hurt their feelings or shut down the conversation entirely if you blurt out "that's terrible," "why'd you do that?" or burst out laughing.

Another time to hold your tongue is if it might lead you astray or right into an argument. Say you walk into your teen's room to talk to them about their upcoming soccer game or a finals exam, but quickly start pointing out the unmade bed, dirty dishes on the side table, and wet towel on the floor, not only will your original conversation go sideways but your teen will think you're just looking to criticize.

Say "Yes"

While rules and expectations are super important and can help keep teens organized, productive, and safe, it's also important to say "yes" to what you can. Using the classic "if, then" parenting strategy can work for teens, too. So, instead of saying "no," you say "yes, if you finish your paper and clean your room, then you can go to the party."

Be flexible too, when possible, so that your teen sees you as an ally who wants to work with them, provided they follow the guidelines you can't bend. So, when they come to you to ask if they can spend the night at the friend's house with no parental supervision, you might say, "no, but they can sleepover here." Compromising, even negotiating together, can even become something to connect over.

Surprise them with a "yes" when you can. Not only will you engender goodwill, but you'll keep your teen coming to you with their requests and plans. They'll know you'll at least consider them, which can make things go better when you do need to say "no."

Pick Your Battles

We all likely remember this one from the preschool years, but the value of picking your battles holds true for teens as well. You're not going to be able to solve every issue, make every plan, or forge a deeper bond with your teen all in one talk. Instead, pick one goal (such as talking about cleaning their room, finding out about their classes, or just soliciting more than a grunt when you talk) and work on that.

Hand-in-hand with picking your battles is letting some stuff go—at least for the moment. Too much all at once can be overwhelming and frustrating for both of you. So, when your focus is on grades, skip reminding them about the importance of healthy sleep habits. Save other topics for a different conversation.

Effective Discipline Strategies

Use Humour

When all else fails, another strategy is to use humour to build bridges. Don't force this one and be sure to choose your openings wisely. If your attempts to make light of a situation don't land, for example, if your teen seems more annoyed or upset, be prepared to abandon your attempt to make a joke. You may even need to apologize to ensure they know you meant no offense.

However, often saying something unexpected or silly or simply laughing (be sure you're laughing with rather than at your teen) can break the tension, get your teen laughing, and often take a conversation to new depths. Even better, you may end up with some inside jokes, which often serve to strengthen the parent-teen bond.

Humour is a way to show your own vulnerability and creativity—and that you value the relationship above all else, and especially over any stressful or difficult topic or issue you might be discussing.

Share Their Interests

If you want to get your teen talking, try talking about something they like. Anything works here (from TV shows and hobbies to favorite foods or politics) as long as you put in the effort to listen and learn. You may want to google the subject to do some reconnaissance so you actually know what you're talking about, too. Say, your teen loves anime, watch some together and discuss. If they love tofu, look up recipes.

Putting in genuine effort to get to know your teen's passions, likes, and dislikes, delving into their opinions, and generally, getting at what makes them tick will naturally make them more open to chatting—and hanging out—with you. The flip side is don't force your pastimes and favorite topics on them, although it's certainly fine to share them in kind.

Talking about positive, fun passions they enjoy is also a pleasant deviation from the heavy stuff many other parent-teen conversations focus on, namely grades, behavior, friends, rules, and messes.

Tips for Difficult Conversations

The above suggestions can work for light or heavy conversations—and it might help to try different tactics as various strategies will work better in some situations than others. Plus, it's wise to start working on improving your parent-teen dialogue before you sense any problems, as then you'll have a toolbox at-the-ready.

Laying the groundwork for positive communication will especially pay off if and when any of the hard or important stuff like dating, grades, college plans, money, bullying, friends, family issues, health problems, death, or divorce comes into your lives. Most importantly, approach these topics with compassion, caring, and your best listening ear. Offer a shoulder to cry on, a cookie, or a snack, as needed, too.

Aim not to make assumptions about what your teen is thinking and also don't assume they know your point of view. Share your feelings (grief, anger, sadness, surprise, worry, and so on) so that your teen feels safe sharing theirs.

Their actions may need consequences, but be careful not to ridicule, belittle, or punish your teen for their feelings or ideas. You may have conversations where you learn things that disappoint, sadden, or anger you, but make sure they always know you're in their corner—and that you love them.



Photos source: Uplash

Positive Discipline Techniques That Really Work

When to Seek Help

If you've tried and tried to get your teen talking and are getting nowhere, it might be time to enlist reinforcements. This might be the other parent, another relative, an older sibling, a family friend, or a doctor or other mental health professional. If your teen has a great relationship with another trusted adult or teen, you can try reaching out to them to help you get the conversations flowing.

Individual or family therapy (online therapy or in person) can be greatly beneficial when negative patterns are too ingrained for conversation to flow freely. A counselor can help you reestablish a healthier bond and rebuild positive communication.




-THE END-




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