YOU AND YOUR ADOLESCENT

The idea that adolescence equals trouble has been part of our folklore, handed down from generation to generation, and accepted by psychologists, educators, and parents alike. Adolescence is not an inherently difficult period. Psychological problems, problem behavior, and family conflict are no more common in adolescence than at any other stage of the life cycle. Good kids don’t suddenly go bad in adolescence. Parents who haven’t run into serious problems end up being apologetic: “I guess we are just lucky.” It is not luck. Parents can make a difference.

WHAT MAKES A GOOD PARENT?

American psychologist Diana Baumrind proposed two dimensions of parenting, namely demandingness and responsiveness. Based on these dimensions, parenting styles can be categorized into four types: permissive, authoritarian, neglectful, and authoritative. Research has consistently demonstrated that the authoritative parenting style is associated with more positive and effective outcomes.

Authoritative parents do not demand unquestioning obedience from their children, nor do they give their children free rein. They are accepting, affectionate, and involved. At the same time, they set well-defined limits. They are democratic in the sense that they solicit the child’s opinion on such matters as bedtime hours and family plans. Because they do not consider themselves infallible, they allow their child to voice disagreements. When the child misbehaves, they make every effort to explain why the behavior was inappropriate. When reasoning fails, however, they do not hesitate to assert their authority. Boiled down to its most simple description, the most effective parents are loving but also demanding.

You can learn to be an authoritative parent, and your adolescent’s behavior will improve as a result.

It is impossible to “spoil” an adolescent with too much love and affection. Even more than younger children, adolescents need to know that you are there for them and nothing can shake your basic commitment to them. Then how can you remain close with your adolescents?

Spend time together. Studies show that most teenagers would like to spend more, not less, time with their parents than they do now. Time together can mean going to a special event, sharing an activity you both enjoy, doing a job together, or just spending time at home. (Watching TV side by side without interacting with each other doesn’t count.) Moreover, talk about the teenager’s interests and concerns. One thing almost all teenagers like to do is talk.

Share your own feelings and concerns. It’s not appropriate to pour out all your problems to your child. What it does mean is letting your child see that you are a person with feelings, hopes, dreams, frustrations, and disappointments. Knowing that you are not always sure of yourself makes adulthood seem a less formidable goal.

Trust your child, treat your child with respect and be supportive. Instead of suspecting the worst, assume the best. When something goes wrong, believe that your child had good intentions.

What causes adolescents to rebel is not the assertion of authority but the arbitrary use of power, with little explanation of the rules and no involvement in decision-making. When parents show respect for their teenager’s point of view, are willing to discuss rules and regulations, and explain why they have to insist on this or forbid that, the adolescent is much less likely to rebel. Research shows that adolescents distinguish between parental rules that make sense (and are seen as legitimate) and those that are arbitrary (and are open to question).

Issues relating to household responsibilities and personal behavior should be worked out by adolescents and their parents together, taking into account the needs and desires of both. For example, how the adolescent keeps her room, how she dresses, what time she is expected home, when she does her homework, and how much time she spends on the phone should be negotiable.

Adolescents need freedom as well as direction. Reflexively declaring “No!” every time your teenager asks for more autonomy, without taking time to find out what he really wants and why, invites rebellion.

The adolescent is constantly changing, your expectations have to be revised regularly. Autonomy should be granted gradually, in stages. But autonomy does not mean a free ride, adolescents need to learn that privileges carry responsibilities. If your daughter wants to have some friends over when you’re going out, she should be responsible for enforcing family rules (no alcohol, no smoking, no crashers, no mess left for you to clean up).

Sometimes parents need to stand back. Adolescents need to learn from their own mistakes. When you are tempted to take charge, ask yourself, “What would happen if I didn’t interfere?” Allow some results to happen (e.g., your son’s bike will be stolen if he keeps forgetting to lock it). When you take charge, you are preventing your adolescent from developing and exercising a sense of personal responsibility.

Every adolescent breaks the rules on occasion. How should parents respond?

Firstly, don’t overreact. Don’t explode when you find your child breaking the rules. Wait to hear his side of the story. There may be a perfectly reasonable explanation. Unless the adolescent has a history of getting into trouble, presume innocence until you discover otherwise.

Secondly, punishment is not the only answer. Often the best course is to stand back and let adolescents suffer the natural consequences of their behavior. Another alternative to punishment is simply to say, “I’m disappointed and don’t want this to happen again.” Adolescents who have good relationships with their parents want their approval and generally try to avoid letting them down. We are not suggesting that parents try to make the adolescent feel guilty, but express your displeasure with the act, not with the adolescent as a person.

Most importantly, never use physical punishment. Research shows that beatings do not stop undesirable behavior; on the contrary, they promote adolescent rebellion and aggression. Verbal abuse—denouncing them as no good—has similar effects. Physical punishment isn’t discipline, it’s child abuse.

Your relationship with your child will not change for the worse in adolescence, but it will change. The parent-adolescent relationship is like a partnership in which the senior partner (the parent) has more expertise in many areas but looks forward to the day when the junior partner (the adolescent) will take over the business of running his or her own life. When parents welcome signs that their child is growing up and expect the best from their child, they often find adolescence the most rewarding time in their parental career.

Note: This article is edited and excerpted from “You and your adolescent: the essential guide for ages 10–25”, by Laurence Steinberg.

与青春期和解

致青春期孩子的父母

青春期一直是问题的代名词，“青少年等于麻烦”这个观点代代相传，被很多父母所接受。事实上，青春期并非注定是一个困难的时期。一些研究发现，心理问题、问题行为和家庭冲突在青春期并不比人生的其他阶段更普遍。

好孩子不会在青春期突然变坏。那些在孩子的青春期没有遇到严重问题的父母可能会谦虚地说：“我们只是运气好而已。”但我们想指出的是，这不是运气的问题。父母可以有所作为。

是什么造就了好父母？

美国心理学家戴安娜·鲍姆林德提出育儿的两个维度：要求性（控制程度）和响应性（情感态度）。根据这两个维度，又可以将育儿方式分为放纵型、专制型、疏忽型和权威型四种。大量研究表明，权威型是更积极、有效的育儿方式。

权威型父母不会要求孩子无条件服从，也不会让孩子完全任性妄为。他们关心孩子，参与孩子的生活与成长，也为孩子设定明确的界限，他们是民主的，会在生活安排、家庭计划等方面征求孩子的意见。他们不认为自己是绝对正确的，允许孩子表达不同的想法。当孩子行为不当时，他们会尽最大努力来解释为什么这种行为是不恰当的。然而当孩子不讲理时，他们会毫不犹豫地展示自己的权威。简单而言，最有效的教育方式是爱与合理要求的结合。

你可以学习成为权威型父母，这能让你的孩子顺利地度过青春期。

用太多的爱和情感来“毁掉”一个青少年是不可能的。青少年甚至比年幼的孩子更需要父母的爱，需要确信没有什么可以动摇父母对他们的关爱。怎样做才能与孩子保持亲密呢？

花时间陪孩子，与孩子单独相处。研究表明，大多数青少年愿意花时间和父母在一起。在一起可以是参加一场特别的活动，分享彼此的爱好，一起完成某项任务，或只是呆在家里（呆在家里玩手机却不互相交流可不算在一起）。此外，多与孩子单独谈谈他的兴趣和担忧吧！几乎所有青少年都喜欢做的一件事就是聊天。

分享你的感受和生活。把自己的所有问题都向孩子倾诉是不合适的。你应该让孩子看到，长大成人不是那么艰难的事；你也应该让你的孩子看到，你事一个有感情、有梦想的人，也是一个会遇到挫折和失望的人。

相信、尊重并支持你的孩子。与其怀疑最坏的情况，不如期待最好的。当出现问题时，要相信你的孩子有着善良的意愿。

导致青少年叛逆的原因不是父母的权威，而是父母滥用的权力、粗暴的规则、没有经过商量的决策。当父母对孩子的观点表示尊重，愿意与孩子讨论道理和规则，并且解释为什么他们要求或禁止孩子做某事时，青少年就不太可能叛逆。有研究表明，青少年能区分出父母制定的哪些规则是有意义的（被认为是合理的），哪些事随意的，专断的（没有原则的）。

当涉及家庭和个人行为的问题时，应该由青少年和他们的父母一起制定规则，同时考虑双方的需求和愿望。例如孩子如何整理自己的房间、如何穿衣打扮、何时回家，何时做作业，花多少时间打电话等等，这些都应该是可以商量的。

青少年需要父母的指导，也需要自由。当你的孩子要求更多的自主权时，如果条件反射地说“不”，而不花时间去了解他真正想要什么及为什么想要，就可能招来反抗。

青少年在不断成长，你必须定期调整你的期望，循序渐进地给予孩子自主权。但自主并不意味着任性，青少年也需要学会承担责任。如果你的孩子想在你外出时邀请一些朋友到家里聚会，那么他就应该遵守家庭的规定。如不喝酒，不吃垃圾食品，自己收拾屋子等。

父母有时也需要学会放手。青少年需要从自己的错误中学习。当你想制止孩子时，先问自己：“如果我不干预会发生什么？”你应该允许一些后果发生（如你的儿子总是忘记锁车，导致他的自行车丢失）。当你负责掌控一切时，你是在阻碍孩子发展出个人责任感。

每个青少年都会偶尔违反规定，父母应该如何应对？

首先不要反应过度。当你发现孩子违反了你们约定，不要立刻大发雷霆，而是要允许他道出原委，也许孩子会有合理的解释。除非你的孩子一再犯同样的错误，否则就假定孩子是无辜的，直到你有充分的理由。

惩罚不是唯一的应对方式。通常最好的做法是父母退后一步，让青少年承受自己的行为后果。或者简单地说：“我很失望，这种事情不要再次发生。”与父母关系良好的青少年都会希望得到父母的认可，尽量避免让父母失望。此外并不建议父母让孩子感到内疚。你要表达对孩子不当行为的不满，而不是对孩子的不满。

永远不要使用体罚。研究表明，打孩子不能阻止不良行为的发生，反而会助长青少年的反叛和暴力行为。与殴打有相似效果的是言语虐待，如羞辱孩子。体罚或辱骂不是管教，而是虐待。

孩子进入青春期后，你与孩子的关系确实会有所改变，但并不总是变差。青少年的父母与青少年的关系就像合伙人。高级合伙人（父母）在许多领域都拥有更多的专业知识，却也期待某一天他们的合作伙伴（青少年）能接管业务，独当一面。当父母接纳不断成长的孩子，并与孩子共同成长时便会发现，孩子的青春期将是自己为人父母历程中最有价值，回报最大的时期。

注：文章整理、节选自《与青春期和解，理解青少年思想行为的心理学指南》，【美】劳伦斯·斯坦伯格（Laurence Steinberg）著